I Cried A Tear  

Reflecting on my life, I cried a tear. Wanting to know what I had accomplished, the work I had done had it made a difference?

My existence seems of little value, being truly expendable.    Would there be something left of me, something of significance when I left this world.

Friends and family say I have made a profound influence on their lives.  I am neither rich nor famous.  I often think myself a failure, yet they seem to see something in me that I can not accept as having any true worth. 

So much I would have wanted to do, or do differently.  Things I  would have said, or not said.   There is so much I have learned and yet often repeat the same mistakes.

I seem to be able to see in others what I can not see in myself.  Why is the mirror of my soul clear and shinny to others while it is dark and cloudy to me.

I cried a tear, wanting to be better than what I am, knowing that much will not change, it is a part of me that does not alter.  Time is growing shorter and still my life is not what it should be... to me.

I feel love around me, I have lost love and I have found love.  Broken dreams and feelings I have denied.   Lost and confused much of the time I have traveled the road of life.  A heart that can mend with a kind word and be broken again with neglect.

I have been blessed in so many ways with the love of my family and friends.  Gifts of love and friendship I have tried to repay and honor with my faithfulness to each love given so freely.

Talent  and skills, accomplishments that others look at with respect.  Things I have enjoyed doing, poured myself into trying to excel at each one.

Yet  when I judge my life I see a rose that bloomed and could not see the beauty of itself.  The bud unfolded and revealed itself mature and radiant.  The petals so soft they were easily damaged, yet with thorns that has allowed my survival.

Too often being called a survivor, as if this were an honor or a tribute of some kind.  To me this has meant a long series of struggles, hurdles and worries.

What is it that my heart wants then?  It is not that I have not had some measure of success.  My children are my greatest accomplishments.  I see in them a new beginning.  I wish them the happiness that I have had by them being in my life.

Friends I wish only the best and most wonderful joys of life.  Each I hold in a special place in my heart and feel so unique that we have met, shared laughter and tears, confided our inner thoughts.

I have tried to express my fears of my own lack of self worth to them and they do not see what I see or feel.    Each has been supportive and reassuring that they see in me something of value.  To the point that it becomes embarrassing to try to talk about my feelings.     I do not seek compliments from others.

I cried a tear, looking for the honestly in judging my life.  I have heard all the words and they have been very kind and generous.

Where do I go from here?   What time is left?  Will there be a chance to right the wrongs, now or in another life?

What do I want from life?  To be happy, at peace with myself and to harm no one.  I want to share the humor that is in my heart.  I know I can make others smile, even when it seems the hardest thing  for me to do  myself.    I want to give love and be loved.

I cried a tear,   feeling the loneliness, the unfulfilled part of my soul cries out to be made whole.  The power is in ourselves to be happy and complete.. so it is said.

Why then when I can be so much to others that I can not be a friend to myself.  Unconditional love instead of a critic.

I cried a tear, not knowing how to change life, to live it as I would like to... this is my failure.   Wanting what I am not sure how to define or describe.  Knowing only that I have a need for more.

I cried a tear, and in doing so mourn the lost time, the hurts that have been too harsh, the road that has been too long.  The hopelessness of many attempts that have not led to the success of acceptance of myself.

Cheryl C. Helynck

 1998